The Wrong List: and making it make sense

When I was in probably the eighth grade I started a list. THE list. My list of qualifications for the man I wanted to marry. My husband list. At first it consisted of things like:

• Christian

• Funny

• Nice to people

• I think hes cute

As I got into high school it got a little more specific and mildly more mature and I added things like:

• Plays guitar

• Writes poetry

• Appreciates my humor

Every guy I either dated or was interested in I compared to this list. And amazingly, every single one at the time was a perfect fit! So weird I know. They shockingly all checked all the boxes I had listed. One might think I simply had too low of a bar, however I had a solid 45 things on my list by my junior year. The problem wasn’t my list, it was how I used my list. If I liked a guy enough, I made sure I could figure out a way for him to “fit” the standards I set. I knew my list was important, but I convinced myself that each person was the right person because I wanted them to be so badly. I didn’t want to see if they started to look nothing like what I knew was good for me, I made a way to make it make sense. Their unkindness was excused. Their pressuring of me physically was excused. Their Christian box was reduced and satisfied with merely “mild church goer”. Therefore, my list actually began to have very little value as it became consistently less weighty than my desires. I just fit it to “technically” work so it didn’t appear as though I was lowering my standards.

Fast forward to meeting the Holy Spirit in college. Why? Because that changed everything. Previously I knew God, knew Jesus- the Bible- I knew how to use the scripture, much like my husband list, in a way that “fit” what I needed.

I will never forget the first time I met the Holy Spirit- I wept. I sobbed and confession and repentance came rolling out of me and it was the best feeling in the world. My eyes felt open to see from a new lens shaped not by what I wanted the world to be, but through what the Holy Spirit was trying to show me.

Needless to say, the first thing that was effected was my husband list. When I first met Taylor he annoyed me and yet I couldn’t shake how much I was drawn to be near him. He spoke about all people with such kindness and dignity. He was friends with the people most of my other college mates were afraid of. He did what God told him to do even if he looked weird or people didn’t understand him. He was bold, a little nutty and took my list item “Christian” to a whole other level. It made me rethink everything. I kept my old husband list for kicks, but I realized as I fell deeply in love with Taylor, that a new list had formed. Philippians 2. I’d fallen in love with the things about Taylor that looked like Jesus. Did he always look like Christ? No. But the things that did were so beautiful and I became acutely aware that what God had for me- his BEST- was dependent on me seeing in a new light and being willing to compare all things to Jesus rather than a version of “great” that I thought I wanted and consistently reshaped to fit my own perceptions.

Yall we are skating on some thin ice here. We so desperately want things to be good (safe, happy, peaceful) however you translate that word; but everytime we are reminded just how "not good" things are down here, we panic as if Jesus didn't already warn us things were gonna be like this. We run to human people, things, platfroms, structures and ideas to fix it- and preferably people we have already aligned with and stood beside. Why? Its like my old husband list. I'd not seen a better way yet. I was afraid. I wanted to be happy immediately. I was decieved by their charm. I saw only the good and didnt want to see the damage because it meant change. A million things kept me from what was really needed: letting go.

We (anyone who professes Christ) need to let go and let go quickly. We need to let go of having to be right. There's freedom in repentance. We need to let go of our faith lining up with politics. Jesus' never did. We need to let go of defending unholy things. On all sides, in all ways, starting in ourselves.

I was reading Philippians 2 this morning, beginning this tumbling of thoughts. So I’ll ask if you do two things with me if you’d dare be so bold.

1.Go read Philippians 2. THIS is our husband list we model our lives after.

2.Then can I ask you to pray with me?

“Lord search me and know my anxious heart. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me the way everlasting”

(King David often prayed prayers of repentance and asked God to search him deeply and reshape any of his ways of thinking that didn’t line up with the Lords.)