Updated: Mar 6, 2020
Today is World Down Syndrome Day. After 18 months of being a parent of a child with special needs, I would not say I’ve become an expert. I would say however that got a new
“Taste and see that the Lord is good.” -Psalm 34:8
The day I found out I was pregnant with Esther Rose I scribbled in my journal, “This is going to be a different road isn’t it Lord?”
I guess Our sweet Father knows what we need most and He knew I needed a little prep time to battle the fears that had long shackled me. I don’t know how I knew, but somehow I just felt it in my gut but spoke nothing of it. About 5 months in I was sitting at my kitchen table with my mama, anxiety roaring over the unspoken what ifs tumbling around in my womb. I looked at her and whispered as if voicing my fear would somehow call it into existence. “Mom, what if she…” My mom cut me off and smiled at me, “I know honey. And it will be ok. God knows what He’s doing.” Forgive me as I pause, even now weeping thinking about the magnitude of the moment. One simple word of comfort half way through- spoken without knowing the fullness of what it would mean. It got me through. For those of you that know us already, Taylor and I share everything. Theres not a secret to be found by the grace of God over us. But for some reason this one stayed inside. I didn’t know for sure and we both decided not to get the testing for Down Syndrome during my pregnancy. I suppose our Daddy knew I needed prep and Tay needed to know in the moment.
The day Essie first opened her eyes and they laid her on my chest my heart raced. I took one look and I just knew. I knew my world would forever be different, changed, unexpected. What I didn’t know that day is why. As Taylor and I sat on the hospital bed after they told us Esther had Down Syndrome, we wept together over the things we thought we longed for. In that moment the lens from which we’d seen the world shifted, it changed and the room got still and peaceful. My fears- gone. It was replaced instead by unspeakable joy and humility that God would choose us, US, to parent this special child. I wept because that day Jesus told me something I’d always wondered. By giving us Esther Rose He told me He believed in me. He had faith in us as a family to love this gift the way He would. He knew that the very things I was most afraid of were really the very things He longed to use to bring our family life and joy. We got a myriad of responses as people begun to find out. “We’re sorry.” “Can we pray for healing?” “What a gift!” “Are you ok?” “She’s perfect.”
It was difficult knowing how to navigate these waters with grace because truthfully, I think I would have been in the same place a few years ago. I would have looked with sadness, maybe a little uncomfort
It’s changed me.. Taylor, our precious Abigael and Nate, and the sweet family and friends that have entered into this world with us. Every time I look into the eyes of our daughter, shaped a little differently than mine and the deepest blue you’ve ever seen, I see a gift I once asked not to receive and thank God daily He chose to answer differently.